pagkakaisa282's Xanga

Tagalog- English Dictionary

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:24:43 GMT

English - Tagalog Dictionary (Iba Ito!)

01) Contemplate - kulang ang mga pinggan
02) Punctuation - pera para maka-enrol
03) Ice Buko - nagtatanong kung ayos na ang buhok
04) Tenacious - sapatos na pang tennis
05) Calculator - tawagan kita mamaya
06) Devastation - sakayan ng bus
07) Protestant - Tindahan ng prutas
08) Statue - Ikaw ba yan?
09) Tissue - Ikaw nga!
10) Predicate - Pakawalan mo ang pusa
11) Dedicate - Pinatay ang pusa
12) Aspect - Pantusok o pandurog ng yelo
13) Deduct - Ang pato
14) Defeat - Ang paa (ng pato?)
15) Detail - Ang buntot (ng pato?)
16) Deposit - Gripo (Call DIPLOMA if DEPOSIT is leaking)
17) City - Bago mag-utso; A number to follow 6
18) Cattle - Doon nakatila ang Hali at Leyna
19) Persuading - Unang Kasal
20) Depress - Ang nagkasal sa PERSUADING
22) Defense - Ginamit ng mga pangsulat sa kontrata sa PERSUADING
23) It Depends - Kainin mo ang bakod
24) Shampoo - Bago mag-labing-isha (11)
25) Delusion - Maluwang (kapag maluwang ang damit, eh DELUSION)
26) Delivery - Walang bayad. Kapag working lunch, eh DELIVERY na ang tanghalian
27) Profit - Patunayan mo
28) Balance Sheet - What comes out after eating a balance diet
29) Backlog - bacon saka itlog
30) Beehive - magpakatino ka
31) CD-ROM - tingnan mo ang kwarto
32) Debug - ang ipis
33) Defrag - ang palaka
34) Defense - ang bakod
35) Defer - ang balahibo
36) Deflate - ang plato
37) Detest - ang eksamin
38) Devalue - 'yon ang susunod sa letrang V
39) Devote - ang boto
40) Dilemma - brownout!, a!
41) Effort - 'dun nagla-land ang efflane
42) Forums - apat na kwarto
43) July - nagsinungaling ka ba?
44) Liturgy - what comes after litur F
45) Thesis - ito ay...

Commercial Muna

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:18:09 GMT

Intsik: Bili kayo panty. Kapag sinuot ito, hindi kayo mabubuntis.

Babae: Bigyan mo ako ng tatlo. 3 months later, galit si babae: Bakit ako nabuntis?

Intsik: Baka hinubad mo!

* * * * * * *

GF: Hayop ka, niloloko mo ako!

BF: Bakit, wala naman akong ginagawa ah!

GF: Anong wala? Nakita kita kanina, may kasama kang ibang babae, magkahawak pa kamay nyo! Niloloko mo ako!

BF: Makinig ka muna... hindi kita niloloko, maniwala ka... Yung kasama ko kanina ang niloloko ko!

* * * * * * * *

Ifugao: Apply po ako ng sundalo, sir.

Officer: Hindi ka pwede, ang dami mong sirang ngipin, bungi ka pa!

Ifugao: Bakit sir, sa gyera ba ngayon, kagatan na ang labanan?

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

A lizard fell on a table.

Genius: Oh! reptila scincidae;

Kikay: Eew, lizard!;

Astig: Shit, butiki!;

Mataray: Shucks, butiks!;

Mayaman: Yuck! Lacoste!;

Mahirap: Pare, ulam!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Pedro: Saan ka galing, p're?

Berto: Sementeryo, libing ng byenan ko.

Pedro: Bakit puro kalmot ang mukha at braso mo?

Berto: Mahirap ilibing eh, lumalaban!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Bakit "S" ang nasa costume ni Superman? Wala na kasing medium! Napansin mo,
fit masyado, di ba?

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Mother superior: Hala, layas dito sa kumbento!

Madre: Bakit po? Dahil po ba sa paggamit ko ng vibrator?

Mother superior: Hindi, ayoko lang may nakikiaalam sa gamit ko!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Nanay: Hala, sige, layas! Huwag ka nang bumalik dito sa bahay! Simula
ngayon, huwag mo na akong tawaging nanay at hindi na rin kita tatawaging
anak, naintindihan mo?

Anak: Sige dude, alis na ako.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Boy: Kukunin ko ang mga bituin at ibibigay ko sa iyo!

Girl: Shut up! Hindi mo nga makuha yang kulangot mo, bituin pa!

Boy: Ay sorry, hindi ko alam na ito pala ang gusto mo!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Ice cream ba talaga yung inendorse in Pacquiao sa TV ad nya na Nestle Ice
Cream? Akala ko kasi, softdrinks. Kasi, sabi nya, "Oh mga bata, Mirinda na!"

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

A priest at a church.

Lady: Father, ang gwapo at cute mo naman! Bakit ka pa kasi nagpari?

Priest: Dahil ayaw pumayag ng magulang ko na magmadre ako! Bruha!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Pedro: Alam mo, yung pusa namin, kahit nakalagay sa lamesa at walang takip
ang ulam namin, hindi kinakain!

Juan: Maniwala ako?!

Pedro: Totoo!

Juan: Ano ba ang ulam nyo?

Pedro: Asin!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Nurse: Miss, gising na!

Patient: Ah, bakit?

Nurse: Oras na ng pag-inom ng gamot.

Patient: Anong gamot?

Nurse: Sleeping pills.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Boy Guwapo + Girl Ganda = Perfect Couple.

Boy Guwapo + Girl Panget = True Love.

Boy Panget + Girl Ganda = Galing Diskarte.

Boy Panget + Girl Panget = SUKOB!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Ama: Bakit ka umiiyak?

Anak: Pumasa po kasi ako sa test. Huhuhu!

Ama: Aba , magaling! Anong subject yun, anak?

Anak: Pregnancy test po itay!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***
Erap at Starbucks.

Erap: Waiter, isang kape nga!

Waiter: Sir, decaf ho ba?

Erap: Syempre! Bobo! Lahat ng kape, de cup!

Bakit, may nakaplato ba?!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Sa prusisyon.

Pari: Ang mga boys, sunod sa karo ni San Jose , mga girls, sa karo ni Mama
Mary. Bakla: Kami father, saan kami susunod?

Pari: Mga bruha! Follow me!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Pedro: Ang tapang talaga ni Paeng! Biro mo, tumalon sa eroplano nang walang
parachute!

Leo: Ohh, totoo? Saan mo naman nabalitaan yan?

Pedro: Dun sa burol nya!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Anak: Inay, ang galing ng titser ko.

Inay: Bakit naman?

Anak: Tinuruan kami ng kagandahang asal.
Nanay: Eh di marunong ka nang gumalang at magpo at opo?

Anak: Natural! Tanga ka ba?

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Use "Bampira" in a sentence! Ahmm, Dodong. Pautang naman, meron ka bampira?!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

TUKMOL: Sino sa inyo ang matapang? Lumabas!

SIGA: Ako, matapang ako, bakit may problema ka?

TUKMOL: Wala po, survey lang ho. Ngayon, yung duwag naman ang lumabas!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Anak: Ma, hingi sana ako ng P50.

Nanay: P40? Ang laki naman ng P30! Anong gagawin mo sa P20? Akala mo
madaling kumita ng P10? O, eto P5.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Boy1: Bakit mo ako sinuntok?

Boy2: Tinawag mo akong hipopotamus!

Boy1: Last year pa yon! Tarantado!

Boy2: Eh kanina ko lang nakita picture ng hippopotamus, bobo!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

May kwento ako tungkol sa lovelife ng ampalaya. Huwag na lang! Masyadong
mapait!

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***
Grabe! Biruin mo, 150,000 pesos daw, hot oil lang! 150,000 pesos ang
rebonding! Sobra naman yang David's Salon na yan! - Rapunzel.

************ ********* ********* ********* ********* ********* *********
********* ***

Hindi makapagtimpla ng juice si Inday. Tahimik lang syang nakatitig sa bote
ng juice. Dahil nakasulat: Concentrate.

Intimate Pose

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:15:39 GMT

You saw a couple in an intimate pose, right?

Interestingly, research has shown that young children cannot identify the intimate couple because they do not have prior memory associated with such a scenario.

10 Commandments sa Pag Inom

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:12:13 GMT

10 Commandments sa Pag Inom

1. Huwag sayangin ang alak
(maraming bata ang d nakakainom ng alak)

2. Huwag matakaw sa pulutan
(dahil ito'y hindi picnic ungas)

3. Huwag patagalin ang tagay
(dahil my naghihintay,d lng ikaw umiinom)

4. Huwag uminom nang uminom lang
(bumili ka rin,wg kang kuripot)

5. Uminom ng diretso sa tiyan
(huwag sa ulo,d baleng sumuka)

6. Magpaalam kung uuwi na, hindi yung bigla nlang mawawala
(hnd ka aso)

7. Huwag magpasikat n malakas kang umiinom
(pwdeng mgpass kung d mo n kaya)

8. Huwag matulog sa harap ng inuman kung may tama o lasing na
(inuman to at hidni tulugan)

9. Siguraduhing sa bahay ang uwi kapag lasing na
(kung kaya mo pang umuwi)

10. Huwag mang harass pag senglot na
(ilabas mo libog mo pg d ka n senglot)

Beer vs Vagina

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:07:20 GMT

BEER vs VAGINA

1. Beer is always wet. Vagina needs a little work.
One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful.
One point to VAGINA

3. A really cold beer is satisfying.
One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit.
One point to VAGINA

5. If you get home reeking of beer your wife may get mad, make a scene, kick you out, etc.
If you get home reeking of vagina your wife may get mad, kick you out, even leave you.
There's definitely a point to be had here, depending on your point of view and personal circumstances.
Call it a DRAW for the time being.

6. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten vaginas in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere.
One point to VAGINA

7. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any pussy in public, you become a legend.
One point to VAGINA

8. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of vagina he may buy you a beer.
One point to VAGINA

9. You normally don't find old beer.
One point to BEER

10. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much vagina and you'll think you've seen God.
One point to VAGINA

11. Ripping a beer bottle label is boring. Ripping off panties is fun!
One point to VAGINA

12. In most countries there's a tax on beer.
One point to VAGINA

13. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off.
One point to BEER

14. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or a can.
One point to BEER

15. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down.
One point to BEER

16. With beer you always have choice: clear, dark, pilsner, ale, lager, etc.
One point to BEER

17. You always know how much beer is going to cost.
One point to BEER

18. Beer doesn't have a mother.

One point to BEER

19. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drunk it.
One point to BEER

FINAL SCORE: BEER: 10 VAGINA: 8

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them.
Therefore, an extra point for BEER!!! YEEEEAAAAHHHHHH.

Someday is too far..

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:03:22 GMT

A friend of mine opened his wife's underwear drawer and picked up a silk paper wrapped package:
"This," he said, "isn't any ordinary package."

He unwrapped the box and stared at both the silk paper and the box.

"She got this the first time we went to New York , 8 or 9 years ago. She has never put it on, was saving it for a special occasion. Well, I guess this is it."

He got near the bed and placed the gift box next to the other clothings he was taking to the funeral house. His wife had just died.

He turned to me and said:
"Never save something for a special occasion. Every day in your life is a special occasion".

I still think those words changed my life.

Now I read more and clean less.
I sit on the porch without worrying about anything.
I spend more time with my family, and less at work.

I understood that life should be a source of experience to be lived up to, not survived through.

I no longer keep anything. I use crystal glasses every day. I'll wear new clothes to go to the supermarket, if i feel like it. I don't save my special perfume for special occasions, I use it whenever I want to.

The words "Someday..." and "One Day..." are fading away from my dictionary. If it's worth seeing, listening or doing, I want to see, listen or do it now.

I don't know what my friend's wife would have done if she knew she wouldn't be there the next morning, this nobody can tell. I think she might have called her relatives and closest friends. She might call old friends to make peace over past quarrels. I'd like to think she would go out for Chinese, her favorite food.

It's these small things that I would regret not doing, if I knew my time had come. I would regret it, because I would no longer see the friends I would meet, letters... that I wanted to write "One of these days."

I would regret and feel sad, because I didn't say to my brother and sisters, son and daughters, not times enough at least, how much I love them.

Now, I try not to delay, postpone or keep anything that could bring laughter and joy into our lives..
And, on each morning, I say to myself that this could be a special day..
Each day, each hour, each minute, is special.

If you got this, it's because someone cares for you and because, probably, there's someone you care about.

If you're too busy to send this out to other people and you say to yourself that you will send it "One of these days", remember that "One day" is far away... or might never come…

Lotto

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 14:00:29 GMT

One day, the wife comes home with a spectacular diamond ring. "Where did you get that ring?" her husband asks.

"Well," she replies, "My boss and I played the lotto and we won,so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

A week later, his wife comes home with a long shiny fur coat . "Where did you get that coat?" her husband asks.

She replies "My boss and I played the lotto and we won again,so I bought it with my share of the winnings."

Another week later, his wife comes home, driving a flaming red Ferrari. "How could you afford that car?" her husband asks.

You guessed it, Her share of the lotto winnings!

That night, the wife asks her husband to run her a nice warm bath while she gets undressed. When she enters the bathroom, she finds that there is barely enough water in the bath to cover the plug.

"What's this?" she asks her husband.

"Well," he replies, "we don't want to get your lotto ticket wet, do we?!"

Modern Day Birth

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 13:58:04 GMT

"DADDY, HOW WAS I BORN?"

Little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"

The father answers: "Well, son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male!'"

Life in Europe in 1500s

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 13:00:06 GMT

LIFE IN EUROPE IN THE 1500S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn't just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about life in the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor.

This is where the custom today of the bride carrying a
bouquet of flowers when getting married comes from.

Family bathing was very infrequent. When it did occur
it consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The
man of the house had the privilege of bathing first
with nice clean water, then next all the other sons of
the family and any other men, then the wife, daughers
and women and finally the children. (Really how far
women's emancipation has gone since then, huh!?)

Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty
you could lose someone in it. That is where you get
the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath
water".

Houses back then had thatched roofs. This was thick
layers of straw piled high, with no wood underneath.
It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all
the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in
the roof. When it rained the thatch became slippery
and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the
roof.

This is where we get the saying "It's raining cats and
dogs" Back then there was very was nothing to stop
things from falling into the house because of the
thatch straw roofs that were very flimsy. This posed a
real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other
droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a
bed with four big posts and a sheet hung over the top
afforded some protection.

That's how canopy beds came into existence.

The floor in most common homes was dirt. Only the very
wealthy had something other than dirt as a floor in
there home.

This is where "Dirt Poor" came from.

The wealthy many times had slate rock floors that
would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they
spread thresh (straw) on the floor to help keep their
footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh
until, when you opened the door, it would all start
slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
entranceway to keep the straw from seeping outside.

This is why the doorway to a home became know as the
threshold. The tradition of carrying a bride over the
'thresh hold' may sound more familiar.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked their food in the
kitchen with a big iron kettle that always hung on a
metal arm over the fire. Every day they lit the fire
and added food to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables
and, since they were usually quite poor, did not get
to eat much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner,
leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and
then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food
in it that had been there for quite a while.

That is where the ryhme, "Peas porridge hot, peas
porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days
old," comes from.

Sometimes they could obtain meat - primarily pork,
which made them feel quite special. When visitors came
over, they would hang up slabs of their bacon to show
off. It was a sign of wealth and pride for the man who
earn enough to give his family meat to eat.

This is where the saying, "A man brings home the
bacon," started.

When they had guests, they would cut off a little bit
of the meat to share with them. And later when the
guests have all left the family would all sit about
and "chew the fat".

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead in the
pewter to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes. Being
unaware of the true cause of the deaths, for the next
400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests, who were considered most important, got
the top, or the "upper crust".

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination of the two would sometimes knock the
partakers out for a couple of days. Someone walking
along the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. With medical knowledge being quite
primitive, the intoxicated relative was laid out on
the kitchen table in the home for a couple of days and
the family would gather around and eat and drink and
wait and see if they would wake up.

This is where we get the custom of holding a wake.

England is an old and small country and the local
folks at that time started running out of places to
bury people. So they would dig up coffins that were in
the ground a while and would take those bones to a
bone-house, and reuse the grave site.

When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were
found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying some people alive. So
they would then begin to tie a string on the wrist of
the corpse, lead it through a hole in the coffin and
up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone
would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the
graveyard shift) to listen for the bell. This meant
someone could be, "saved by the bell," or was
considered.. . "a dead ringer."

And that's the truth... Now, whoever said History was
boring!!! Educate someone. Share these facts with a
friend.

My Dear

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 11:20:36 GMT

Dear Husband,

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in 2 minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game.

You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone

Signed,

Your Ex-Wife

P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to Cornwall together! Have a great life!